"Listening is being able to be changed by the other person." --Alan Alda
Okay, let's face it, most of us suck at listening. In fact, I used to zone out when other people spoke. It was constantly a difficult task for me to really listen attentively to the other end of the conversation, without waiting for my turn to talk again. I'd keep nodding while thinking of a reply, urging them to round up with their gist, or sometimes, I'd just interrupt!
This usually made my conversations unproductive and boring; not to mention that I always left, feeling I'd wasted my time. It got so bad that I knew some things had to change.
So, I'd be sharing five simple cues that greatly helped me improve my listening ability. I'm sure they'll help you too in your communication and dialogues.
1. Put Your Phones & Other Forms of Distraction Away.
Our smartphones remain one of our major distractions when it comes to listening.
This reminds me of a day I met a friend, after a long time. We were talking but she just couldn't put down her phone. She kept chatting and messaging while we were having our conversation. I got really irritated and left, after bringing up an excuse for having something urgent to do. I know most of us are addicted to the internet, but in order to really listen, we would need to put away those smartphones, clear our desk, or make that call and get it off our minds.
Try closing that book or computer you're busy with, and see how focused you'd become in that conversation.
2. Maintain the Eye-contact
"Steady eye-contact is a sign of assertiveness" — NR. Qubein (How to Be a Great Communicator)
Eye-contact has been proven to be one of the best ways of building self-esteem and establishing a lasting impression on someone.
Maintaining eye contact with the other person not only helps you fix your attention on that person, but it also tells them that you're listening. This is important.
Look straight into the other person's eyes, then look at their lips, and trail your gaze back to their eyes. This way, you build a sense of trust and concentration on them, and in the conversation. I concentrate and listen better while maintaining eye-contact with the other party!
3. Ask Questions, and Listen to their Reply
Most times, we start and end our conversations based on assumptions. We guess and try to surmise what we hear, when we could've just asked and gotten a better knowledge of it.
While listening, ask questions on what they said, that you aren't clear with. Don't just assume or try to guess the answer, ask!
Maybe they said something like, "I had to close from work late that day due to some problems with my boss. " Don't nod and try to guess what the problems were. Ask, and listen to the person's reply. Now, it doesn't mean interrupting them. Look for a break in the conversation to put your question through. It could be when they paused to sip their drinks, or after a chuckle or laughter.
Ed Cunningham said, "Friends are those rare people who ask how we are, and then wait to hear the answer."
Asking open-ended questions creates a kind of bond with whoever we're talking to, and keeps us interested in what they have to say.
4. Take your time to recapitulate what has been said.
I've met amazing people, great listeners, who took some time after I'd spoken, to summarize all that I'd said! It was mind-blowing to me, and I felt they really listened to every word I had to say. I also discovered that taking some seconds to paraphrase what had been said, really helped me understand exactly what they wanted to pass across.
In your discussion, try summarizing everything you heard or understood from what the other person had said. Have this idea that you're going to tell what you just heard to someone else. This would keep you more attentive and conscious in that discussion. Maybe your employee finished stating his excuse for late coming, or perhaps, your kid just told you how her day went. Taking a moment to explain what they just finished saying, would show that you really listened. It'd make them really happy. They'd leave, feeling they can talk more and confide in you. Everyone loves to be listened to!
5. Be Positive!
I've also discovered that optimists listen better in a dialogue, than pessimists. This is because they expect the best out of that discussion, and are comfortable and prepared to listen to every bit of it.
Always start a conversation with a positive attitude. Tell yourself you're going to learn something from the other party, and smile often in the conversation. Starting a conversation when you're in a bad/sad mood can negatively affect your listening too. It could also be a reason why most people have a hard time connecting with others. The next time you engage someone in a discussion, have a positive attitude to go with it. If the other person cracks a joke, laugh at it genuinely.
Listening has little to do with our ears, but much to do with our minds.
Listening is particularly important and useful in order to become more effective people. With so much clutter and voices out there in the world, I feel we all just want to be heard. Take your time to apply this in your daily conversations and business dialogues, and you'll see how much of a listener you'd become!